ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize