Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
