How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
