I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
