Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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