k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
