So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
