I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize