Four minutes until I can fart!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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