I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
