she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
