I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
