I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
