On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
