You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I said "one day" and that day is not today
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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