You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize