I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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