she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My vagina just clenched in fear
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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