Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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