I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
