I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
