You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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