Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
