i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
