Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
