I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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