Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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