I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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