I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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