last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
