I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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