peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
