Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just found puke in my bra..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
