Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
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