my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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