you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
