I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
