Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
