my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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