i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Randomize
