how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
