oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
