the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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