My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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