Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
