4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
