The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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