And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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