He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
