I'm so fucking centered right now
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You ruined the universe
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
