Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
