I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
