distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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