And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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