Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
