I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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