I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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