1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
